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I admit it. I did it. I broke the rules - the Supermom vows I held inviolate for so long. It all began when I started hiding my children’s books ( I just couldn’t bear reading the same book aloud for the one hundredth time.). I even reduced trips to the library down to a few token visits a year. I confess, I allowed sugar into my home, processed cheese singlets, and refined flour (Imagine, buying bread instead of assuring my children received the proper ratio of B-vitamins found in homemade whole-wheat bread.). And, as a means of survival, I began serving hot dogs (nitrates included), frozen pizza, and raviolios. I even permitted cartoons to invade my living room on Saturday morning for the self-serving reason of sleeping late. (Cardinal Rule #1: NEVER use the TV as a babysitter.)
For what it’s worth, I did hold out against Count Chocula, Captain Crunch, and caffeine. Unfortunately, this was countered by the fact that I confiscated the scissors from my first son at a time when the development of fine motor coordination was at its height. (I realize justifications aren’t accepted, but he had cut his little sister’s hair.) Dare I confess to the times I relented and spanked my kids? I had done so well until then. I had maintained such control—the control only a Supermom could possess. Even the time my first son tore my soft contact lens, the time my second son carved the living room sofa with a butcher knife, or the time both boys, playing kamikazi pilots, dived through my sister-in-law’s sliding glass door.
So, what kind of mother am I? A reformed Supermom; a much more confident and self-assured mother. Gone are the days when my self-worth was tied to my kids’ performance; gone are the days that guilt pervaded my very being. But this transformation didn't happen overnight. First, I had to comes to terms with failing miserably at being a Supermom. I had to learn that perfect mothering was a myth and that fairy tale mothers rarely exist except in our minds and on TV. Only fantasy mothers can be all-giving, all-loving, all of the time. But like so many other conscientious parents, I had taken on an unrealistic ideal as my model for parenting. I was determined to succeed in every area my own parents had failed.
New York psychiatrist, Dr. Helen De Rosis, states that "supermomism" isn't so much a set of behaviors as it is an attitude a mother has about herself. Largely, it's about expections: self-styled expectations. And according to Dr. De Rosis, "supermomism" can just as easily be applied to fathers. By uncritically internalizing all the 'good parent' criteria communicated by the media, child care experts and even one's own parents, parents often set themselves up for failure. Compelled to be the ideal mother or father of their dreams, these parents strive dutifully to produce the best/brightest kid on the block, in the classroom, on the soccer field, and on stage. The pressure can be intense.
Parents who attempt to meet such expectations experience an enormous amount of guilt and frustration, sometimes verging on anger and rage. The danger with such a scenario is that a parent can become disenchanted with his or her role and become a parent drop-out because they no longer have the physical and emotional energy to keep going, or giving. Dr. Joseph Procanccine of Loyola College in Baltimore, terms this phenomenon, “Parent Burn-Out.” Parents who 'burn-out' have, in a sense, been `on fire’.” According to Dr. Procanccine, the greatest cause of parent burn-out is the inability to manage anger - the anger which results when unrealistically high expectations for parenting (and for children’s behavior) can’t be met.
When one pushes children to meet our expectations, they become products whose worth is dependent upon performance. In addition, a parent’s own sense of worth can become dependent upon a child’s achievements; a mother’s self-hood can easily be threatened as it is derived largely from the product she has so carefully and lovingly molded. The damage to the child can be equally disastrous. For when a child is made to feel that receiving his mother’s love is contingent upon fulfilling certain rigid standards, his emotional development is jeopardized. For the young child, fear of losing a parent’s love can be devastating.
Preventing parent burn-out means re-evaluating your expectations for yourself and your child. It means stressing to your children that you love them unconditionally, even if they don’t get a part in the school play, even if they break your favorite coffee mug. But changing your expectations isn't enough. You must also change your behavior. This means taking care of yourself and learning to selfishly exert control over how and where you expend your energy. Parents must build activities into their schedules which give them energy -all the while keeping a healthy balance between time spent with kids. It may simply mean giving oneself permission to paint or write poetry. Dr. Procanccine even suggests conducting an 'energy audit' and setting aside personal time for exercise, music, or even a hot bath.
So, yes, I admit it. I was a Supermom and I failed. I did, however, survive burn-out and by-passed a chronic state of disenchantment. And sure, it was rough, but through it all, I gained a much greater understanding of myself. More importantly, my children learned that their mother’s love wasn’t dependent upon their performance. And it was comforting to hear my four-year-old daughter's words, as she assured me that my message to her had been clearly received: “Mommy, I love you even when you burp.”
Preventing Parent Burnout
I admit it. I did it. I broke the rules - the Supermom vows I held inviolate for so long. It all began when I started hiding my children’s books ( I just couldn’t bear reading the same book aloud for the one hundredth time.). I even reduced trips to the library down to a few token visits a year. I confess, I allowed sugar into my home, processed cheese singlets, and refined flour (Imagine, buying bread instead of assuring my children received the proper ratio of B-vitamins found in homemade whole-wheat bread.). And, as a means of survival, I began serving hot dogs (nitrates included), frozen pizza, and raviolios. I even permitted cartoons to invade my living room on Saturday morning for the self-serving reason of sleeping late. (Cardinal Rule #1: NEVER use the TV as a babysitter.)
For what it’s worth, I did hold out against Count Chocula, Captain Crunch, and caffeine. Unfortunately, this was countered by the fact that I confiscated the scissors from my first son at a time when the development of fine motor coordination was at its height. (I realize justifications aren’t accepted, but he had cut his little sister’s hair.) Dare I confess to the times I relented and spanked my kids? I had done so well until then. I had maintained such control—the control only a Supermom could possess. Even the time my first son tore my soft contact lens, the time my second son carved the living room sofa with a butcher knife, or the time both boys, playing kamikazi pilots, dived through my sister-in-law’s sliding glass door.
So, what kind of mother am I? A reformed Supermom; a much more confident and self-assured mother. Gone are the days when my self-worth was tied to my kids’ performance; gone are the days that guilt pervaded my very being. But this transformation didn't happen overnight. First, I had to comes to terms with failing miserably at being a Supermom. I had to learn that perfect mothering was a myth and that fairy tale mothers rarely exist except in our minds and on TV. Only fantasy mothers can be all-giving, all-loving, all of the time. But like so many other conscientious parents, I had taken on an unrealistic ideal as my model for parenting. I was determined to succeed in every area my own parents had failed.
New York psychiatrist, Dr. Helen De Rosis, states that "supermomism" isn't so much a set of behaviors as it is an attitude a mother has about herself. Largely, it's about expections: self-styled expectations. And according to Dr. De Rosis, "supermomism" can just as easily be applied to fathers. By uncritically internalizing all the 'good parent' criteria communicated by the media, child care experts and even one's own parents, parents often set themselves up for failure. Compelled to be the ideal mother or father of their dreams, these parents strive dutifully to produce the best/brightest kid on the block, in the classroom, on the soccer field, and on stage. The pressure can be intense.
Parents who attempt to meet such expectations experience an enormous amount of guilt and frustration, sometimes verging on anger and rage. The danger with such a scenario is that a parent can become disenchanted with his or her role and become a parent drop-out because they no longer have the physical and emotional energy to keep going, or giving. Dr. Joseph Procanccine of Loyola College in Baltimore, terms this phenomenon, “Parent Burn-Out.” Parents who 'burn-out' have, in a sense, been `on fire’.” According to Dr. Procanccine, the greatest cause of parent burn-out is the inability to manage anger - the anger which results when unrealistically high expectations for parenting (and for children’s behavior) can’t be met.
When one pushes children to meet our expectations, they become products whose worth is dependent upon performance. In addition, a parent’s own sense of worth can become dependent upon a child’s achievements; a mother’s self-hood can easily be threatened as it is derived largely from the product she has so carefully and lovingly molded. The damage to the child can be equally disastrous. For when a child is made to feel that receiving his mother’s love is contingent upon fulfilling certain rigid standards, his emotional development is jeopardized. For the young child, fear of losing a parent’s love can be devastating.
Preventing parent burn-out means re-evaluating your expectations for yourself and your child. It means stressing to your children that you love them unconditionally, even if they don’t get a part in the school play, even if they break your favorite coffee mug. But changing your expectations isn't enough. You must also change your behavior. This means taking care of yourself and learning to selfishly exert control over how and where you expend your energy. Parents must build activities into their schedules which give them energy -all the while keeping a healthy balance between time spent with kids. It may simply mean giving oneself permission to paint or write poetry. Dr. Procanccine even suggests conducting an 'energy audit' and setting aside personal time for exercise, music, or even a hot bath.
So, yes, I admit it. I was a Supermom and I failed. I did, however, survive burn-out and by-passed a chronic state of disenchantment. And sure, it was rough, but through it all, I gained a much greater understanding of myself. More importantly, my children learned that their mother’s love wasn’t dependent upon their performance. And it was comforting to hear my four-year-old daughter's words, as she assured me that my message to her had been clearly received: “Mommy, I love you even when you burp.”
