Attachment: Is It Easy?

by Martha Ogburn RN, MS

“For me, conception was the easy part. I was totally unaware it would
take on extra three months after delivery for me to grow into the
   mother-person I had so romantically envisioned. How shockingly
idealistic I must have been to think I would be magically equipped
with love, security, and a healthily adjusted relationship the moment
I gave birth. It seems it didn't matter how much I wanted a baby, or
how thoroughly prepared I thought I was. Lamaze classes and pediatric
nursing experience did little to set the stage for the new relationship
I was about to begin...”

                                                    
Attaching to a newborn infant and developing a healthy mother-child relationship is a maturational process; the completion of which is rarely reached at and about the birth of the child.  The intense nature of the attachment process is best seen right after birth when the mother can see, touch and begin caring for her infant. This initial stage is often referred to as bonding and can easily be described as the falling in love phase of the entire attachment process. This is a time of initial encounters, first impressions and beginning communications -- all of which set the stage for future interactions and patterns of relating. It is during this time that the mother makes an emotional commitment to her infant, serving to sustain the relationship through stressful times such as night-long teething episodes and inconsolable fussiness. The special nature of this emotional investment is aptly described by the Russian proverb which states, “You can’t pay anyone to do what a mother will do for free.”

But adjusting to a new baby and forging a new relationship is not an easy task. Not only are new mothers exhausted from the experience of pregnancy and childbirth, but they are also faced with one of the greatest psychological adjustments of their  entire lives. They must assume a new role: accepting the total responsibility of the life of a tiny human being. Reality can hit hard. Personally, I remember thinking that I would never be a little girl again and that I had passed into that "older" generation. It was the kind of
sentiment over the shortness of life and the irrevocable passing of time that makes
people cry at weddings. As Thomas Hardy puts it, “The sacramental moments of life,
while opening doors to the future, close the door to the past, and there is no turning
back. “

Yet despite the importance of the mother’s role in the attachment process, the task of mothering can only be completely understood in relation to the infant’s repertoire of behaviors.  Afterall, a healthy newborn infant is a very neurologically organized being. If attachment is to take place, the infant must respond.  The infant’s body language and eye contact in response to the mother’s touch or voice all elicit nurturant responses. This reciprocal exchange of behaviors creates a type of dance which is played over and over  again between mother and child.

A mother may make the initial commitment to her baby, but if she is not rewarded or reinforced for her efforts, she will rapidly disengage. The infant’s responses provide fuel for sustaining the relationship. In one research study, 50% of all positive maternal feelings were related to the baby’s responses, ie, smiling, eye contact and visual fixation or following. Holding and feeding accounted for only 20% of affectionate releasing behaviors. As one mother put it, “I wanted my baby to recognize and respond to me as a person, not as a food object.”

Fortunately, as a mother’s desire for feedback for her love and maternal efforts intensify, the appearance of the baby’s first responsive smile at about nine weeks of age provides added positive reinforcement and strengthens the bond. In fact, many mothers find the prospect of separation from their infant almost intolerable by this stage.  By three months postpartum, a two-way communication between mother and child is firmly established, allowing a mother to settle into her new role and to begin the process of accepting the reality of her child’s inevitable independence from her.